Guardians of the Galaxy characters as FC Dallas managers, ranked

In looking around the soccer internet for reaction's to FC Dallas' 4-3 loss against New York City FC this past Friday, I came across this FC Dallas reddit post:

The mistake isn't surprising considering the coach prior to Eric QUILL was PETER Luccin. That said, it did start my nerd brain spinning. Instead of complaining about another three points lost, lamenting another mediocre Lucho Acosta performance, or pining for a playoff run that isn't likely let's spend some time humorously. Because as a wise man once said, isn't it fun to be able to laugh a little bit?

We'll do this by tiers, starting with the best moving down to the worst.

A Tier

Mantis

Something Quill said around mid-season during a post-training discussion stuck in my brain. When asked what the hardest part of his job as manager was, without hesitation he said the mental side. Learning the personalities, managing them, creating a team environment, that sort of thing. He said as much again post St. Louis City, where he talked about the team clicking together around the San Jose draw. It illustrates the idea that getting inside your player's head and helping them process is crucial, even more-so than Xs and Os.

I have no illusions that Mantis knows anything about footy tactics, since I doubt they get MLS Season Pass on Knowhere. However her ability to understand the team's emotions would be second to none. Let her hire the best group of soccer knowers this world has ever seen. She's got the mental part covered.

Bonus points for being the first female manager in a major male world soccer league, and also the first one to have antennae. A true victory for equality.

Yondu Udonta

Yondu is a proven leader, having headed up the Ravagers for an unknown amount of time. They have a crest and a uniform, although I don't know if any of that translates. Speaking of translation, I'm assuming Yondu can speak several languages because of the variety of people/creatures who fly Ravagers colors.

There's a concern that intergalactic police could arrest him at any time due to his myriad of crimes across the galaxy. Although considering the viewership numbers for MLS games Don Garber just announced, one could argue managing in MLS might be the safest place for someone of Yondu's wanted status.

Also if you thought Peter Vermes complaining to referees was effective, imagine a whistle controlled arrow. All the marginal calls are coming Yondu's way.

Thor

Another strong leader having commanded Asgard's forces under his father Odin. A strong communicator mixed with extreme handsomeness, Thor Odinson would immediately raise the league's ratings in any game he managed. I mean, look at him.

Have him walk around like that and viewers go brrr.

Two major downsides: His propensity for lightning generation might delay matches if his temper flares, even on perfect weather days. Also you'd probably need extra security to make sure his half brother Loki didn't both try to murder him in efforts to claim the Asgardian throne or impersonate him for any given reason.

B Tier

Rocket Raccoon

At the end of the cinematic trilogy Rocket ends up as the Guardians' leader, so he gets credit there. He's also extremely resourceful, knowing how to manufacture weapons and technology out of scraps. That ingenuity might translate to tactics, we'd have to see.

There are downsides, mainly him being a roughly foot and a half tall cyborg rodent which could create respect issues among players. You'd also have to concern yourself with Rocket potentially shooting any dissident team members or mouthy opposition members with a space weapon. That'd be at minimum bad for morale, at maximum capital murder.

If Caleb Porter can keep getting jobs though, Rocket can probably make this work.

Cosmo

Biggest perk: is a good boy. Yes I know Cosmo's a girl, point stands.

Next biggest perks: telekinetic powers and universal translation. This might be better served as a team admin or scout, but still useful skills as a manager. Tactics might be out of date though, since Cosmo was a member of the 1960s Soviet space project. Though to be fair, they did win the Euros in 1960. Might be something there after all.

C Tier

Peter Quill aka Star-Lord

This post's inspiration would, in my opinion, be a bad soccer manager. His actions in the Thanos fights on both Knowhere and Titan show bad judgement and a selfish streak. An inability to stick to plans along with a lack of improvisational skills are not qualities becoming a good manager.

On the other hand his propensity for quality music would create a great atmosphere in the stadium. There's also a chance he has some hidden soccer knowledge; Quill's listed home of St. Charles, Missouri is a suburb of St. Louis, one of America's most historical soccer outposts.

Gamora/Nebula

The sisters and daughters of Thanos are both great warriors, and studied under one of the galaxy's greatest tacticians. He's also a genocidal nutjob, which is a real limiter on how far that experience carries.

Whether you're talking about their originals or their 2014 variants, it'd take a very specific situation for this to work. I don't think FC Dallas is that situation.

D Tier

Drax the Destroyer

An uber-violent alien who has no understanding of language outside the literal and whose only fixation in life is revenge for his fallen family. You can't do it on a rainy Tuesday in Kansas City if your mind is locked on celestial vengeance.

He might be the best fitness coach in the league if given the chance. Look at him, he's jacked.

Groot

Can only say three words. Is a giant tree. I'm not sure much more need be said about the matter.

Even if we are Groot.