Rating Potential New Eric Quill Headwear

As of this writing Dallas is mired in a three match losing streak, albeit with some caveats. The Open Cup outcome against the Red Bulls was undeserved, after questionable officiating led to the tying goal and the eventual cruel roulette (cruelette?) of penalties. Yes it was a loss, but one that could have (and in this writer’s opinion should have been) a win.

One cross country trip to Seattle later and Dallas shows the tenacity Quill has instilled in this squad early. Fielding a rotated lineup after 120 minutes at the former Red Bull Arena, the Toros fought hard. 15 total shots, a strong Maarten Paes performance, and it all went for naught as another questionable foul call leads to a free kick that led to a penalty call. Was the penalty call correct? Yes. Should Dallas have been in a position to concede said penalty? Again in my opinion, no. Once again, a result denied outside the control of the 11 men on the field.

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Houston…yeah I can’t help you there. An easy contender for worst loss of the season for Dallas, a lifeless effort at home against your in state rival that cost you El Capitan. There’s no two ways around it, that loss was shameful. The response in the aforementioned two games has been encouraging, but unfortunate that it was necessary.

With two more games in the month of May before an international window gives Dallas a respite, finding a way to close the margins is crucial to entering the break on a positive note.

Why not a change to Eric Quill’s hat?

Anyone who has tuned into FC Dallas games this season has seen the familiar red baseball cap pulled down over Quill’s forehead. It’s become a trademark, as identifiable as the crest on the jerseys. In a season full a change, that hat has been a constant.

When all reasonable options have been explored, let’s start with some unreasonable ones. So let’s explore some potential new headwear choices for the FC Dallas bench boss, rating them based on a multitude of factors.

Cowboy Hat

The most obvious of choices. Dallas already uses the cowboy hat as a signature for their Man of the Match, so there’s a built in connection. You could even shift the tradition to Quill giving someone his hat as the new awardance ceremony.

In addition to being a Texas club, it’s well known that Quill is indeed a fan of 90s country and a Texas native. If there was any coach of the three Texas teams who was going to don a cowboy hat on the touchline, Quill is the top candidate.

Even simpler: it just looks really cool when done right. Consider former NFL head coach Bum Phillips, seen below:

Tell me that isn’t awesome.

Now imagine Quill storming the touchline, accosting the fourth official wearing a gorgeous piece of Texas craftsmanship on his dome. The vibes would be immaculate, which could be just what the team needs.

Rating: 5/5

Pope Hat

Stick with me here, because this will be a journey.

With the election of Pope Leo XIV, America has its first ever supreme pontiff. Leo is a well known Chicago native, having featured in old footage from the 2005 World Series featuring the eventual champion Chicago White Sox.

Who else plays in Chicago? The Fire, but unlike the other Chicago sports franchises it’s unclear that the current resident of the Apostolic Palace has any allegiance to Gregg Berhalter’s side. Until someone decides to ask His Holiness about Hugo Cypers and Chris Brady, it’s fair to call his MLS allegiance undeclared.

Which MLS club has a rivalry trophy with Chicago, dating all the way back to 2001 when we know Leo would have been in Chicago? Dallas.

Who has the most wins in the Brimstone Cup all time? Dallas

Therefore for the purpose of this post, FC Dallas is officially claiming Pope Leo XIV as a FC Dallas supporter. Which in my mind gives Eric Quill the right to don a Pope Hat at least once until rebuffed by the Vatican. Hopefully by the time that sacred condemnation arrives to World Cup Way, Dallas would have already gotten their mojo right.

Of course, you’d need to make sure it was branded properly for the club so…

Rating: 4/5

Flat Cap

For this exercise, I’m imaging Quill as a member of the Peaky Blinders. He and Cillian Murphy have some similar facial features and structure, but the hat might not be enough. Quill might have to adopt a wool coat, a suit vest, and a cigarette to really sell the look.

For the coat and the vest, they’re impractical especially as we’re on the cusp of June. While the players would get a drink break every half, Quill would need one every five minutes with all that fabric encasing him on the touchline. A decent chance he’d pass out before the halftime whistle in 120 degree heat in that attire.

And while I don’t know if there’s an official policy for Major League Soccer (a scan of the CBA and various search engine queries don’t provide answers), I have to imagine at minimum it’d be severely frowned upon if Quill decided to light up a lung rocket while directing his charges up the field. Maurizio Sarri Quill is not, and even if he compromised by using a fake cigarette it’d be more trouble than it’s worth.

He’d probably look cool though, right?

Rating: 3/5

Fedora

Let’s do a quick checklist to see if this is appropriate.

Have we time traveled back to the early 1900s? No we have not.

Is Quill a time traveler who has come from said 1900s where he was either a businessman or a federal agent? Unless he’s keeping a big secret that generates way more questions than it answers, he is not.

Those two questions alone mean the feasibility of this choice is minimal. The modern interpretation of the fedora is farcical, used as memes to accentuate members of society deemed as objectionable. Unless Quill is spending his off days browsing manga sections in a leather trench coat or perusing anime forums, this choice is just not an option.

Rating: 2/5

Drinking Hat

While this one gets a 5/5 for the image it evokes, there’s some built in pitfalls.

While there’s at least some ambiguity on tobacco usage on the touch line, there’s no doubt that MLS would not allow a coach to metaphorically double fist two adult beverages via headgear during a game. Even if this would be the perfect brand integration for FC Dallas’ latest partnership with Shiner and the ¡Órale! FC can.

If not an alcoholic beverage, it’d be a bit hard for someone who leads some of the best athletes in the world to be pounding soft drinks on the sidelines just from a credibility standpoint. “I’m gonna devour these sugary drinks while y’all run multiple kilometers” just isn’t the best messaging point.

Which means you could use water, but that much water even in hot conditions would probably cause Quill to run himself. Not up and down the touchline, but to the water closet. Teams can’t be having their leader doing full field sprints to relieve themselves, nor can they just let it fly behind the dugout.

Even with all the problems, it’s still funny to think about though.

Rating: 1/5

Leave your favorite Eric Quill cap alternative in the comments.

The things we do to cope with a losing streak.

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